Painfully Healing


It is so painful to heal!

For some reason it always seemed like healing was all about covering the parts inside you that laid naked.

I thought internal healing resembled how you would naturally let new skin grow in places that were once wounded.

You know the open holes that don’t really hurt anymore but they are still there to remind you that you were once hurting.

There I was thinking healing was all about replacing old worn out skin with new fresh skin.
I thought if I could just self love my way through meditation then all the negativity that I had consumed would eventually evaporate with the ooouuuhm sound that I kept reciting on repeat.

But I was wrong!

The day I decided to heal was the day I declared pain to be my daily anthem.

The moment I announced to my scars that they needed to find another dwelling place, someplace other than my heart was the moment I welcomed sorrow to be my secret roommate.

Because it is so painful to heal

Healing was not what I expected!

Instead of covering the parts that were laying naked, I had to peel off another layer just to teach myself that no pain will ever be strong enough to tear me apart.

I had to shove my fingers through the holes that served like an alarm every morning to examine just how much deeper pain can pretend to make its way inside me while playing King and Queen on the throne of my heart.

Instead of removing the toxic memories that had spread like venom into my soul, I had to lay them down on a carpet and choose which ones I was letting go and which ones I was going to keep as life lessons that I would sing to my children as lullabies so they can never make the same mistakes that I did.

Instead of eating ice cream in my pjs and watching romantic comedies to cheer myself up, I had to lock myself in a dark room and have a one to one session with myself to assure my heart that even if I had no one left by my side but God I would still be okay.

It’s not easy running through the map of your biggest fears but I had to make sure I went for a lay up and try to score a three pointer right where I was told I would never be able to make it.
You can imagine the state of my heart when I was running straight after what I knew was about to be a failure but I had to take a shot and miss so I can teach myself that loss does not mean that it’s over but it’s simply a reminder that victory does not come easy.

Most of us think healing is about forgetting but I learnt that healing is all about remembering
It’s about recalling the torture so vividly that every time it tries to revisit you you can stare at it straight in the eyes with your head held high and greet it with a smile because it thought you would be broken and shattered into pieces by now, but instead you’re stronger than you’ve ever been because what did not kill you made you stronger!

So heal, heal even if it hurts.

Because you’d have to revisit that same things that were once causing you pain and suffering.

But once you are healed darling

Ain’t no struggle will be big enough to break you!

Ain’t not cut will dig deep enough inside you to make you bleed.

Ain’t no pain will hurt you enough to take you to the grave.

So heal.

Link to the Italian translation

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